lunedì 21 aprile 2008

A drive to feel

“I’d give anything to be different than what i am” admits alex while looking down at his hands. Telling his story makes alex quite shaky he confesses while slouching on the bed . after all dealing with our emotions is never an easy task , but for alex it’s a little bit more than that. His pornaddiction , among other issues, created an overall muteness of his feellings intervalled by emotional breakdowns caused primarly by drugs . The abscence of communication with his parents, since he was a child, transformed the emotional numbness into a wall that is now hard to break.
Alex’s nervousness is almost palpable as he enters the room on a chilly Monday evening. He walks in the small halls of residence room with a falsely confident stride.The oversized military jacket, the zebra foulard and the champaign dyed color hair immediately catches the eye and gives off an eccetric look, while his soft and gentle features, (rosey cheaks)his fair complexion and light blue eyes reveal the secret of a little boy.
The same little boy who didn’t have a careless and happy childhood because of an addiction to porn which started at the early age of 11, but now that he’s 18 and sees it all more clearly. Among others things , Alex blames the internet and not having parental supervision while using it at such an early age. “ i think my parents knew, they must have known”. although, later on he says in one big sigh “ i can only blame myself”.
He regrets complaining so much to his parents about being bullied at school “i was just an attention seeking kid , i guess” . his parents moved him to a new school where alex felt lost without his friends. “Peolple treated me like shit, i nearly killed myself in year 5”.
Fourteen hit alex like a bullet. His father’s affair complicated even more the never smooth family dynamics. Talking about his parents he says “ i don’t think they like me very much, my mother hates all men and i guess she’angry for me turning into one ”. Recently while talking to his mom about his issues she said to be disgusted and feels that she failed as a mother, he says with openwide eyes while touching his face.
His father’s sense of guilt , towards the family became a heavy burden in his reationship with alex. Communication among the two became impossible. “ Even when he found a considerable porn stack he did nothing except making my guilt worse”, a sensation of guilt which was probably already within alex. Lately they had “a good coversation”.
While completely shutting down his feelings, porn became central to alex’s life.Everything in his life became secondary to porn.Even having a “working” relationship was impossible. Fear does play a key element in his life as alex declares. Fear of confronting others, difficult situations, but most of all himself. “I don’t like being alone because i start thinking” he says.
In seek of respect and acceptance he put out a persona which soon became a “popular party animal that went with everything that moved” he says. He was finally accepted in the new school, but was lonlier than ever because his feelings and his morals were supressed.
Drugs and alcohol became an easy escape which caused exasperated emotional issues and mental instability. “being able to cry was fantastic” he adds .Alex never thought of them as a true addiction although he’s worried about becoming dependant on ecstasy because of the sensations of empathy,love and walking through fire it gives him, hesays “times with ecstasy have been the most beautiful experiences of my life”.
Asking for counselling, at the age of 16, made alex feel extremely unconfortable and humilated. “It’s admitting to have a weakness, i want peolpe to respect me and see me as strong all the time” he says. later on melancholicly he admits “i would like to have some pride in myself” .
Coming to university and moving away from home represented a new start and he quit the porn but quickly realized that he underestimated the difficulty that it brought with it. Alex felt alone and scared, “without porn I didn’t know who i was”. So he jumped back into the well known compulsory routine.
Because the addiction to porn represents an everyday battle he doesn’t think much about his future and admits to having no aspirations other than falling in love. Alex has been in a good mood for a couple of days now. He cut the cable on his Internet connection.“ I am not dealing with this anymore” and now he is in a “semi-working” relationship as he defines it. He describes quittting porn as unsettling and “the hardest thing i’ve done in my life”

the names in this article have been changed for privacy purposes

2 commenti:

Anika ha detto...

Flaminia, that is an amazing article. It is really touching and so sad. Poor guy.

Anika ha detto...

Everytime I read this, it makes me cry. Not because of pity, but because I realize that I am Alex. Don't have a porn addiction though, but obviously other weaknesses, which might do much worse to my body and soul. I know how it is not being able to be in a relationship, I know how it is not being able to love anyone, I know how it is to be scared to be alone...because you start thinking. And the horrible part is: We can't even blame ourselves. Our parents screwed up...that is so scary! A person (or in that case two people) can screw up a life of an innocent child just by not being there.